I can’t believe it’s almost May. This year is flying by! Before you know it, it’ll be summer break and then poof, it’ll be Christmastime again!

It’s been an absolute whirlwind since my last post in January. We’ve had birthdays, a new administration, a crippling snowpocolypse in Texas, Operation Valor events, OCRs and weddings. Not to mention the daily excitement of in person learning, virtual learning for the kids, changing and starting a new degree myself, and trying to maintain a healthy work life balance while working from home. It’s been kinda crazy but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I think about sitting here to share my thoughts so often, but something always seems to pull me in another direction. In fact, I started writing this post on Monday and it’s now Wednesday and past my bedtime and I’ve completely forgotten what I’d initially intended with this post!

Maybe that’s just life’s way of keeping me on my toes, keep me searching my mind for what I want to share? So I’ll share what’s been on my mind today

April is a month of emotions for me. It’s been nearly 2 years since we almost lost Sean. I thank God daily for giving him back to us. There are times when April and May 2019 seem so long ago, and then there are times when it seems like just yesterday. Seeing all of the memories pop up on Facebook and Timehop keep the memories fresh and remind me of just how fragile life is. It is also a reminder of how much love I have in my life. So many people took the time in the last few days to send messages and post comments, it warms my heart that after two years, THEY haven’t forgotten how hard those days and weeks were. My heart is so full knowing that we truly are loved by our friends and extended families. Y’all helped me keep going then, and y’all keep me going now. Thank you for loving us!

 

 

 

 

**WARNING-THIS POST CONTAINS GRAPHIC LANGUAGE**
If you’re easily offended, please stop reading now

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I recently had another mind blowing epiphany when it comes to my personal fitness journey and it rocked my world!

When I started out on this path I committed to becoming a better me. Every day try to be a little bit better than I was yesterday. Level up my life. For a long time, I was quite successful, I quit smoking, I started eating better, I registered for and ran my first marathon and was up at the ass crack of dawn to get my run in. All was great in the world. 4 am was my happy place, it was my ME time.

And then, it wasn’t.

Lots of life started happening…all at once.

Looking back over the last few years, lots of my “goals” included “get up at 4 and run.” Many, MANY mornings I just couldn’t do it. Between stress, depression and exhaustion, I could barely get myself out of bed to get to work on time. Every morning that I didn’t run added to my feelings of guilt and shame. I beat myself up constantly. I felt like a failure. Seeing morning “motivational” posts on social media created resentment toward myself. What is wrong with me? I must be LAZY? I am a FAILURE. I’ll never accomplish my fitness goals because I’m not motivated enough. My willpower must be lacking. I’m broken. I was frustrated with myself and becoming increasingly frustrated with the world around me. I tried all the tricks to force myself to be a morning person and I failed miserably.

I was celebrating small successes in other areas of my life; I earned my Associate Degree, made the President’s list, moved into a new apartment, but I was still struggling with my fitness and my feelings of self-worth. Every early morning workout missed deepened my self-loathing. I felt worthless. I started to seriously contemplate giving up on racing altogether. That thought broke my heart. Races gave me additional family, support, love and encouragement. I honestly felt like I was failing my running family too. I wasn’t becoming better every day, I was drowning.

I didn’t really talk about this with anyone. I’m supposed to be the encourager, everyone’s cheerleader. Why couldn’t I do the same for myself? I just let these feelings of inadequacy fester. It was a vicious cycle and I couldn’t escape it. Every morning I’d see this shit:

It was a deafening noise that perpetuated negativity and hatred toward what I couldn’t force my body to do with any kind of consistency. The more of this I saw, the more I hated what I couldn’t make myself do.

Until LAST WEEK.

YES, LAST FUCKING WEEK.

After literally YEARS of beating myself up for not fitting into this fit life box and this ideal of what fitness is SUPPOSED to look like, it hit me.

FUCK THE 4 AM CLUB!

Fuck this motivational bullshit that breeds feelings of inferiority and inadequacy if you don’t conform to the InstaFit ideals.

Because you know what?!?!

NO, it’s not fucking easier to get up in the morning…for ME.

Mornings are NOT where I thrive.

Getting up at zero dark thirty is NOT my happy place anymore.

When something isn’t working for you, stop trying to force it. Look at WHY it isn’t working. Find the reason and fix THAT. Stop trying to fix YOU, you’re not broken.

The moment I gave myself permission to tell the 4 am club in my head to fuck off, was the exact moment that my passion for running, my desire to run, my LOVE of running came flooding back into my soul. When I stopped making 4 am an unattainable goal and allowed myself to do what works best for me instead of what social media says works best, running became a JOY again.

I no longer feel ‘behind’ on my training, I no longer feel like a failure. I no longer feel like a disappointment.

I did have a good laugh at myself though…WHY did it take me so long to figure this out?!?! 

I’m now running in the afternoons after work and before I picked up the little one. And you know what? I love it again. I let all that negative shit go. I run the stress of the day away, I run to clear my head and ready myself for the evening. I run because I want to, not because I’m supposed to and it feels AMAZING!

If you’re one of those folks who pop out of bed every morning with a smile, ready to tackle the world, that’s GREAT!

If you are a hardcore gym rat that thrives on the 4 am scene, that’s AWESOME!

If getting your workout in while the rest of the world sleeps helps you conquer your day, that’s FANTASTIC!

If you are one of those people, you’re AMAZING! I applaud you and you should totally be proud of your dedication.

However,

If you’re NOT one of those people…

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

If you’ve been struggling like I was, maybe it’s time for you to tell the 4 am club to fuck off too!Find what works for you and RUN with it 😉

It’s that time of year again. To reminisce about the past 364 days and boldly proclaim your intentions for the next 365! After all, it’s the thing to do! So here we are 😉

I have abandoned the idea of setting New Year’s resolutions in part because I actually hate doing what “everyone else is doing” but mostly because I have learned that life has a funny way of happening in ways that completely upset your plans. I’m learning that taking each day as it comes and doing my best each and every day is much less overwhelming, and much more doable for me. Don’t get me wrong, having goals and dreams isn’t a bad thing, it’s just that I’m learning what works for me.

The end of 2018 could never have adequately prepared me for the reality of 2019.
I had been accepted into the Occupational Therapy Assistant program and I was determined to make 2019 a year of personal growth and achievements. I’d decided to abandon FEAR, COMPARISON, INSECURITY, PERFECTIONISM, and the EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS. I had no idea how those ideals would be tested.

I started 2019 believing that my path was clear and that I would work methodically through the plan, and life would be normal, but alas, April 22 changed my year, my plans and my life.

I’d spent the better part of May and June by Sean’s side while he was in the hospital. There were moments when his senior medical team tried to prepare us for the worst, but I refused to believe he’d do anything but recover fully. He became known throughout the hospital as the “Miracle Man” and that was no exaggeration!

We decided that life was in fact, too short to spend any more time apart. So we found a house and P and I moved to Austin!
It has been a huge adjustment for all of us, but one that I would gladly do all over again.

Sitting here on a chilly gray first day of 2020 I can’t help but be excited for what the future holds.

I cannot change the past, I can only look forward and do my best to make the most of each and every day. And while life has caused me to make some dramatic changes, I can’t help but feel I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.

So 2020 what DO you have in store for me? Truthfully, I have no stinkin’ idea, but I’m ready!

There you have it, no lofty mileage goals, no weight loss goals, no clean eating declarations. Just a promise to myself and my family to try to do the absolute best I can for myself and my family!

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I’m sitting here fighting back tears. Mondays are hard, and they’re not just hard for us grownups. they’re hard for our littles too.

Today was the first day back to school after an entire week off for Thanksgiving. Pey got herself up and ready at 4:45 this morning without so much as nudge from me! In fact, she was damn near ready to walk out the door before I even crawled out of my bed. She was ready to see her friends and ride her new scooter to school. She did great at that btw! I DID follow her to school just to make sure because I’m still THAT mom and I’m really struggling to let her go.

She was a tuckered out mess when she got home, I could see it in her face although she fiercely denied it. She was just “hungry.” Yeah…..Ok, Pey! Get a snack and let’s get started on your after school routine. I checked on her a few times and she was working hard, then it got quiet.

I just didn’t have the heart to wake her.

After a while she creeped out of her room. I guess that pork chop smelled too divine to miss! HA!

Now that she was awake and fed, it was time to get her homework done and study for a test coming up this week. Well that’s where the effing wheels came off. We had an epic meltdown about the homework, then once I thought we’d gotten through THAT, we had another meltdown because it was bedtime. I hadn’t considered that she’d taken a decent nap, so we negotiated a later bed time on the condition that she read a book for 15 minutes first. THEN she could have a bit of free time before bed.

She was putzing around about getting her book, so I looked at the clock and said, “Ok, now you need to read until 9:21 because you’ve been standing there NOT getting started.”
That was followed with a huff, an eyeroll and some stomping feet toward the bedroom. 5 years ago Amanda would have lost her shit and possibly dealt her a healthy ass whoopin. But I didn’t. deep breath Amanda..deep breath…

Cue another, even MORE dramatic meltdown, complete with whining, alligator tears, “I’m sorry”s and “I’m not tired”s.

We had a nice little talk about what “tired” looks like and how “actions, not words” are how we judge people. And she was sent off to bed still mad at me with tears in her eyes and a scrunchy up nose. Nobody likes consequences for attitude 🙁

Mondays are hard on us all sometimes. Parenting is hard.
I don’t know if I’m doing this right, but I know I’m doing the best I can.

Mondays are hard, and sometimes it’s best to put yourself to bed even when you don’t think you’re tired and be thankful that you’ve been given the hard days, so that when the good days are here, we enjoy every moment of them <3