Hello friends. I know it’s been a while. AGAIN. But this morning I was scrolling through time hop and something popped up that caused me to stop dead in my tracks.
I don’t even know how to tackle this, but I’ve learned that writing is therapeutic for me so that’s what I’m going to do. It might be ugly and messy and not make any sense, but here we go anyway.
LOOKING at these pictures makes me smile. My kids are beautiful, we had an amazing meal together, but some of the memories that come flooding back piss me right off.
I see smiles, but I vividly remember the pain and panic in my gut that I tried so desperately to hide from them. To shield them so they would never know there terror I was concealing behind the happy face and laughter.
This wasn’t an isolated incident either, I remember feeling this way ALL THE TIME. Whenever I had my kids with me, I had to be constantly on guard. To run interference, to stand watch to make sure they didn’t do anything to piss him off. To make sure HE was in a good place, because if he wasn’t, we’d all suffer the consequences.
What the fuck?!?! Back then, I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought keeping the peace at all costs was what I was supposed to be doing. I was wrong. SO FUCKING WRONG! I didn’t realize that what I was doing was telling my kids that HIS mood, HIS feelings, HIS state of mind was more important that them. In my attempt to protect them from him, I was actually destroying my relationship with them.
This realization has been heartbreaking to say the very least. When I first started making these discoveries, I was so unkind to myself. I hated myself for not being able to see what was happening. I hated that I allowed it to get that bad. What kind of mother was I? How could my children EVER forgive me?
The negativity that I embraced as my truth led me down a very dark path. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever find my way out of that, but somehow I did, and somehow my children don’t hate me.
I’ve come a LONG way, and we’ve come a long way as a family. I am so very grateful that my kids were and are more forgiving toward me that I was toward myself. The road we’re on now isn’t perfect or easy, but it’s ours and it’s brighter and more beautiful than I could have ever hoped and I know now that even when the clouds start rolling in, I’ve got more sunshine and love than I ever thought possible!